The other day I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and I just kept scrolling past post after post after post of people I went to school with. It was all about how awesome their jobs were, getting new jobs, out partying all night, the new loves in their life be it cars, animals, people, traveling to other countries [and not just to the grocery store :) ] For a moment I thought: "What the hell happened to me?" Why wasn't I "living it up." When I was younger I always told my mom I was going to marry a brain surgeon and live on the beach and soak up the sun while he worked. Ya, that didn't pan out either. Shocking.
Here I am married, 29, 2 kids stay at home mom. Not what was in my plans.
Plans change. Life happens. Happen to not marry a brain surgeon, but got married and then that's when life really started changing. We got married in July, got pregnant in October. Noah. My tiny lil 4 lb Noah. He came in the world with a BAM earlier than we expected and threw us for a loop. I remember after his dramatic birth, he was in the NICU and I wake up in the middle of the night and Alberts not in the room w me. I FLIP! I think something is wrong with Noah and I run as fast as I can to the NICU...{ok waddle as fast as a c section momma can go.} I get the the NICU, ask if my son is ok, they look at me like WAIT CRAZY WOMEN! Tell them my name, scrub in, get buzzed through the door and go to where Noah's spot was..He wasn't there. My heart SUNK. Then a nurse goes, "we moved him over here." I am sure she could sense the panic in my eyes so thought she should intervene. There is Albert, holding Noah, just rocking him and staring at his tiny fingers and his tiny face with all his wires at 3am. It was a good moment, but then I fall to tears and tell him to NEVER leave and come up here without telling me....then I had to sit and rest...then it was time to pump. sigh. Can 't win em all. BUT in the moment, all was ok. The boys were ok. Noah was content being held and snuggled by daddy.
Then we get home with Noah and all hell breaks loose and you all know how that story goes. Again, not what I planned. I planned on Noah eating, thriving, me being able to go back to work....'normal.' Normal never happened. Then after Noah's 1st birthday we decided to try again for a baby. Well BAM, happended super quick. Brock. oh Brock. He completes us. Corny I know. I'm gagging as I type it out. Thanfully, Brock's birth was very normal and he got discharged with me, an odd feeling as a nicu mom. Brock's been very healthy thankfully.
So, when I read other friends posts and they are talking about how amazing this beach is, or how they bought this new car, or how they got a new job...in another country, how they can just get up and go without planning, thinking, for a moment, I get jealous. When I am sitting with Noah's barf in my hands, ya the beach sounds inviting. When Brock comes up to me and says "HI MOM!" in his sweet voice, THAT'S what I want. Nothing can come close to the moments I have with my boys. When Noah comes up with something crazy and just blurts it out, I crack up, they make me smile on the worst days, even if they are causing that worst day. I wouldn't want to exsist without my boys. I can't imagine how dull it would be. I wish Noah's GI tract could wake up and realize food is good and digest at the right speed, sure I wish when we plan to go some where, as simple as Kroger, I didn't have to plan around Noah's feed, bringing a puke cup and praying he doesn't barf in the store. I wish I could take him a get him a Happy Meal and he eat it like a typical kiddo. I do wish when we are out and it's time to feed him they wouldn't stare in disgust or just stare at all. If anything, I'd rather you just come up and ask what I was doing vs looking at him like you might catch a G tube. I assure you, you won't.
My life isn't what I planned, but it is what I want. I'll take puke any day.
No comments:
Post a Comment